Throw It Out Thursday: Expectations
“When one’s expectations are reduced to zero, one really does appreciate everything one does have.”
We all have them, expectations. Whether they be of ourselves, other people, governing bodies or just the whole dang world, we’ve all got an expectation of someone or something. This time of year especially people tend to focus on what they aren’t doing or what they should be doing. Let me just say this once, we need to stop “should-ing” on ourselves and others! Hopefully this blog will help you release some of your expectations of yourself and allow yourself to lower the bar for others.
“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it”
Expectations can come out of fear and lead us to anxiety: the fear of not being in control or the anxiety of the uncontrollable outcome. There is something we can control, just not what we think it is. What we can control is taking action to make our expectations a reality, not just hoping your thoughts will make it happen. All of this happens inside our head, no one else hears it, no one is aware of what we are going through and chances are other people are inside their own heads in their own expectation cycle. Breaking the cycle happens when you change the way you are thinking, sounds simple but is it really?
In my research on the science behind expectations, I discovered an article that broke it down into two parts: the first being the theory that if we think of something enough or put thought behind it, that it will happen, think The Law of Attraction without taking any action to make it happen.
The second is that expectations are the hope for happiness, and if the expectation is not met that immediately means unhappiness. In unpacking these two concepts, either way you look at it, they show how expectations take the “personal responsibility” out of the equation. Your happiness or unhappiness are dependent on something outside of yourself, the realization of an expectation. And if you think that imagining your expectations into fruition is not putting the responsibility outside of yourself, then who is making them a reality? That’s called magic and it usually requires a magician which unfortunately you probably are not. The reality is that we are in control of what thoughts we have and how they affect us, and than can be a scary thing when you realize that you are the cause of your happiness or unhappiness.
Do you find yourself saying “man I should have done this or that” often? At night are you up thinking over all the scenarios throughout your day and how you could have handled it better or reacted differently? I used to do this so much that I would actually shut down during important situations, get so nervous and anxious that I would do what I call “word vomit”, I would just spew something out. Most times it was embarrassing, self deprecating or just so out of left field that the person I was talking to would either be really confused and question if I am ok, or end up really offended. Usually, I offended people. In my moment of freak out, of not being able to control the fear welling up in me that regardless I was going to say something off-putting, dictated a lot of my relationships. When this was brought to my attention by a dear friend, I had a decision to make. Am I going to continue being affected by situations so severely that I “word vomit” on people or can I learn a different way to react?
I will never forget my prime point when this turned around, mind you years after that good friend spoke with me. I was working at a local coffee shop and we were in transition from coffee and sandwiches to more beer and bar food. Instead of being honest that I wasn’t the person for this transition and that I had felt overwhelmed already trying to run the shop by myself, I made a sharp comment in a crucial moment. What happened next was some of the best training I’ve gotten. The owner looked at me, and walked away. After a few moments when I could compose myself and have a conversation with him and apologize, he simply said “I am impressed with your reaction time, it didn’t take you that long to reflect and take accountability. This will get easier with time but you need to take a moment before reacting to situations and respond to them instead.” That was life changing guidance, and it helped me start to put into practice what my friend was trying to tell me. What I started to do from that day was when I felt that bodily reaction to expectations either put on me by others or put on myself, I pause and take a few breathes. I think about what it is that is important and if this expectation is necessary for my growth or just a projection of someone else’s “stuff”. Letting go of the opinions of others, and giving myself some grace has given me the hindsight to now know when expectations are goals for me to aspire to or just old stuff that triggers past emotions.
A lot of times, our expectations of ourselves and others comes from lessons we were taught as children, not to say these lessons were the best or even helpful, but they shaped us. Growing up is a journey and gives us the ability to reflect and learn how to listen to ourselves, to listen to others and to be able to release your own perception on how things “should” be and become flexible with how things can be. Letting go is harder than it sounds, but the freedom from letting expectations go and not letting them hold you down is worth the work.
I am not going to try and work out all the issues that we have when it comes to expectations at work. Instead, I want you to know that those who have the harshest expectations of others, are usually the ones who are even harder on themselves and we will never know it.
What would benefits us more is learning techniques to keep our minds stable while our work life demands so much. When that email from the boss comes in, take some deep breathes before opening it, and don’t take any less than kind remarks personally, chances are they had a rough morning and it’s not actually about you at all.
“You can’t expect everyone to have the same dedication as you.”
At work, let’s just admit that there are a lot of expectations and most of them are valid as it is about our job responsibilities. However, problems arise when the expectations are either ridiculously high or a bar has been set yet never explained. I came across this little gem that explains it so well:
“My research on moral psychology tells me that expectations among people are often based on an implicit social contract. That is, without actually verbalizing expectations about give-and-take in a relationship, people construct stories in their heads about legitimate expectations of each other. So, people in a relationship have a "deal" in which the specifics of the deal are never really talked about. It is hard for someone to live up to your expectations when they don't know what they are, but you still might see this failure as a violation of your social contract. For example, Mary Schaefer writes about how she listened to a friend's problems for years, even though it was very difficult, because she expected her friend to do the same for her when she wanted to talk about her problems. That did not happen, and the friendship ended.” (The Psychology of Expectations, John A. Johnson)
This made me think of when we have friendships at work or have a very friendly work environment where the standards are assumed but maybe not clear. You know how hard you work and every little thing you have to go through, and all you can control is you. It is important to be your own cheerleader and give yourself the credit you might not receive from co-workers. Knowing this, and setting clear boundaries can help ease the stress of work, but what else can you do to? Seeing as though drinking on the job is strongly discouraged, luckily there are other tools can you use to calm down and work with others. Essential oils are amazing and by using our strongest sense, the olfactory sense, it can work in seconds and leave a trail of calm with us wherever we go. Pressure points can work wonders too, there is one on the ear that I have used with performers who have nausea or anxiety and it really calms them down. For more random and super awesome ideas, check out Pinterest. I have two boards where I put things to help me keep sane, check out my favorite one to make me chuckle here, it’s random, it’s awesome, it’s randomawesomeness.
“Expectation is the root of all heartache”
This picture says it all, you’re doing everything to hold it together but still letting someone down regardless. Have you felt this way? Or maybe you’re the girl with her hands holding up a glum face wondering why no one notices when you’re home. I read a really great article during my research where she asks you to write down all your expectations of others, the government and yourself and then go back over an analyze them with these questions:
Is there a match between this expectation and what really happens to me?
Does this expectation make me happy?
Do I expect too much or too little?
What made me expect this in the first place?
If it does not happen the way I expect it and it gives me grief, why do I still expect it?
Do I expect other people to do things I myself cannot?
How can I make this work for me?
Who is responsible for meeting this expectation?
To read the full article click here, it’s quite a process to go through but if you find yourself constantly being let down by family or friends, it might be worth the time to discover what is really going on. We have expectations of our kids, our siblings and even our parents, but are they serving you and your family or are they tearing you apart? At the end of the day, our mental health and happiness is the most important, and if yours is faltering because of expectations of yourself and others, it might be time to really sit with that and work it out.
“By becoming aware of our expectations, we can choose whether we want to continue to pursue them. If any or all of these expectations sound familiar to you, ask yourself what is the cost of holding onto them so tightly. Are they making you feel not good enough? Stressed or unhappy? If so, make a conscious decision to let go of them and find a more fulfilling and less pressured life.”
As you can probably see, there is a theme here with letting go that which is not serving you or others, hence why this is a part of our Throw It Out Thursday. Throwing out those troublesome expectations will give you the space in your mind and heart for more fulfilling things. How you go about working this out, well that’s a dialogue that you will have to have with yourself, and maybe seek a little help from someone with the right tools. For me, this process of letting go of expectations started when I began practicing my Buddhist faith (joyfully might I add as doing it reluctantly for years did not work) and became solidified while working with my Life Coach. She has been a pillar for me in holding space for me, while also being ready to give me a reality check when I’ve been holding on to that victim mindset one second too long. Each one of us is on our own path of self discovery and growth, it is up to us to make it worth while. We have to do the hard work of living inside of our heads, so why not make it the best place to be? I want to invite you this Holiday Season to let go of some old, not helpful expectations, and bring in love, light and abundance for yourself and whoever you are holding that bar up there for. Having a little grace for people, and yourself, makes the world a softer, nicer place for us all to play out the drama of life. Happy Thanksgiving and I hope this article helped give you more to be grateful for in your life.
With love & light, till next time, be good to your skin and even better to yourself,
xx eri